The Facts of Life
by Lavender and Hay
Summary: Mr Stevens and Miss Kenton the evening after his discussion with Mr Cardinal. Could be a one-shot or could be... not a one-shot.


**This fic is set during the week of the international conference, starting the day that Lord Darlington asks Stevens to talk to Reginald. Obviously that means that, given what happens that week, there is potential to carry the story on a bit further. Let me know if you think I should or if this should just be left as a one-shot. Also, I'm not great at comedy but still insist on attempting it every so often: be warned.**

It had been a trying day, of that there was no doubt. The usual tasks had presented themselves with their familiar fervour: innumerable footmen to keep in order and just as many pieces of silver to track. However, I would like to think that I managed to carry off these many everyday matters without a conspicuous degree of distress as it was not these that particularly presented me with a challenge; more over the need to maintain them made the more unusual task all the more difficult to execute. I do not mind admitting that I was more than grateful to Miss Kenton on the several occasions during the day where, at the time, it almost felt like her stepping in narrowly averted some crisis or other. That isn't to say that I feel I have been out of my depth today, more that I have found her help perhaps a little more valuable than I do on most days. That the house is full of distinguished foreign guests is doing very little to help matters.

The particular task delegated to me by his Lordship of which I speak is of rather an unusual, one might almost say odd, order. He brought it to my attention that his godson, young Mr Cardinal, is engaged to be married; naturally I offered my congratulations, knowing that his Lordship regards the boy more as a blood relation than family friend. His Lordship, however, still seemed somewhat perturbed. Before I could ask if I could be of assistance he revealed to me that he feels that it is his responsibility to enlighten... that is to inform Mr Cardinal of the facts of life, so to speak, but has not as yet found quite the opportune moment. His Lordship feels that such is his relationship with Mr Cardinal that it would be most embarrassing for him to do so personally; a notion with which I can quite sympathise. In short, I found myself agreeing to impart this knowledge on his Lordship's behalf.

The task itself was undertaken with what I consider to be minimal embarrassment on all parts, given the circumstances. My lot was made a good deal simpler as it emerged that Mr Cardinal is already well grounded in such matters and I was able to terminate the conversation without much further ado. It was only when I had returned to my work when comprehension of the discussion that had taken place fully dawned on me, and I was left alone feeling most awkward. There was no question of my being able to avert or delegate the task to another- especially as his Lordship had asked me personally- but I couldn't help but feel that I might not have been the most suitable individual. Consequently, the effect of the conversation on top of ensuring that all of our visitors were cared for was that by the end of the day I felt quite drained.

It was in this rather dismal spirit that I made my way to see Miss Kenton in the evening. The day having been such a busy one, our usual meeting would be all the more paramount as there was doubtlessly a greater chance that we had missed each other earlier. However, my feet were beginning to feel distinctly weary as I made my way to her sitting room, his Lordship having of course dismissed me for the night. Upon my arrival, Miss Kenton was, as she was so often, bending over the fire to check on its progress.

We settled ourselves in our normal places, each with a cup of cocoa to discuss the matters of the day. Though I did not quite realise at the time, I didn't perhaps contribute all that much to the discussion. I can only attribute the fact to my being rather more tired than I usually permit myself to become and my mind being occupied in other matters, rather than any wish to offend Miss Kenton by appearing aloof. It was, then, not altogether unreasonable for her to enquire some way into our conversation:

"Are you quite all right, Mr Stevens? You don't quite seem yourself this evening."

Her tone was that of concern rather than a pointed attempt to rebuke my lack of participation and so I replied:

"Perfectly, thank you, Miss Kenton."

"You seem to be rather preoccupied; I wonder if we should stop?"

"No, no," I replied, attempting to make myself seem more alert with a half-smile, "I was merely reflecting on a conversation I had earlier today."

"What kind of a conversation?"

Miss Kenton, you understand, is of a rather curious disposition and I can understand why she might have felt a natural inclination to press for a more direct answer. However, given the actual nature of the conversation I felt that it would be most prudent to avoid giving her a strictly truthful answer.

"Just a conversation that I had with his Lordship, Miss Kenton. Discussing prospects of this conference and so forth."

"That, James Stevens, is a monstrous falsehood or you would have said so in the first place! Now I'm really interested: what did you really talk about?"

Naturally, this shocked me in more ways than one: primarily Miss Kenton's rather astonishing ability to tell when I am being economical, so to speak, with the truth a mile away. That and the exceeding familiarity of her using my Christian name lead to me feeling quite taken aback.

"Really, Miss Kenton, I can't see how it's of any great releva-..."

I trailed off, rather- I suppose- recognising defeat. Miss Kenton's eyebrows were raised in such a way that made it plain to me that she would not be the first to give in. You must understand that, their being the irrational beings they are, one must choose one's battles with housekeeper very wisely. I believe I let out a sigh before continuing rather irritably.

"If you must know, his Lordship asked me to impart certain... facts into Mr Cardinal's knowledge. As it happens it lead to rather an embarrassing discussion, on my part at least."

This, however, did not seem to be sufficient: obstinate woman.

"What sort of f-... oh. I see."

Evidently she did, if her expression was anything to go by. The angle of her mouth slumped for a second and I wondered if she too had perhaps strayed across embarrassment at the subject. However, it seemed I had no such luck for it was swiftly followed by what could have almost- had it not come from the infinitely composed or at least carefully imperious Sarah Kenton- a giggle. I raised my eyebrow to question exactly what had been so funny in our employer's instruction.

"Of all the ridiculous things...!" she exclaimed mildly between laughs, "Oh good heavens, James, I'm pretty sure I've heard it all now!"

The second use of my Christian name did not go unnoticed.

"Miss Kenton," I began, with a special effort to sound particularly stern, "What might I enquire is so funny about that?"

Unless my eyes deceived me she wiped a tear of mirth out of her own eye before replying:

"Nothing, James, it's not really funny, only ridiculous."

This was the first time I'd ever heard the facts of life referred to as ridiculous and so I enquired carefully:

"What exactly about the facts of life do you find so ridiculous, Miss Kenton?"

Before I had quite realised the territory that the question would lead us into it was out of my mouth. Fortunately, she saved us both:

"It's not that I find them themselves ridiculous, of course it's not," I noticed her pale complexion flush mildly, "It's that Lord Darlington asked you to inform _his _godson of them! I mean, good heavens, James!" Her exclamatory tone, I noticed, left her eyes pleasantly bright and added to the previous faint flush, "Of all the ridiculous things he could ask you to do! Suppose you- I don't know- weren't fully aware of them yourself..."

She trailed off, the flush exacerbating exponentially. It seemed that she too had realised the implications of what she had said. I suppose that I was somewhat naïvely optimistic to think that my conversation with Mr Cardinal was as awkward a conversation as I would have to undergo for some time. And then Miss Kenton was talking nineteen to the dozen.

"Not that you wouldn't be. I mean, I'm sure you're very well grounded in...in...no!" for a moment she looked rather helpless, "I'm sorry, James; the right thing just doesn't seem to be able to come out of my mouth."

I would like to think that I momentarily saved the situation by realising that however great my own embarrassment, hers was likely to equal if not surpass it.

"No matter, Miss Kenton. I quite understand your surprise; I don't mind telling you that I myself was rather taken aback by his Lordship's delegating this particular task to me. However, what is done cannot be undone. Anyhow, the conversation turned out to be superfluous: Mr Cardinal informed me that he is already extremely well informed on the subject." 

She hardly managed to disguise a snort at that.

"I'll bet he is," she remarked with some amusement, and then with an air of amused disapproval, "The youth of today!"

"Quite," I agreed, and then thinking a little added; "Though you mustn't mistake me, Miss Kenton. I don't wish to indicate that you yourself are completely devoid of youthfulness."

Once again her eyebrows became raised.

"Was that another allusion to my "great inexperience"?"

And simultaneously we both seemed to realise the provocative connotations of her remark and I felt the stability of the situation we had just been managing to maintain tumble from beneath our feet. What felt like whole protracted hours later I cleared my throat.

"No, Miss Kenton. Rest assured that I meant to cast no aspersions over your... experience."

"Good."

There suddenly seemed a dismal lack of things to say. Then Miss Kenton, clearing her own throat a little, said:

"Do you think, Mr Stevens, there might be any two people on earth worse than us at conducting a conversation with a degree of decorum?"

"No," I felt myself respond and I heard her laugh.

Looking up, I saw she was surveying me with what I can only describe as fondness in her expression and, feeling it would be prudent, cleared my throat again.

"Than in mind, I think we'd best go to bed before we say anything else."

This time it took me a moment to catch my unintentional meaning up and it hit me in a thud of silence. Miss Kenton's eyebrows, by this point, were in danger of becoming permanently raised.

"Not together, I take it?"

She looked about ready to burst out laughing again. I surmise, from the heat radiating from my face that it was my turn to flush now.

"No, Miss Kenton. Not together."

The equanimity in her tone was rather disconcerting as she said:

"Just so I know."

And with that, much to my relief, she left me alone to sit quite numbly on her sitting room sofa.

**Please review if you have time.**


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